To Reflect or Not Reflect?

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With all the reflecting I do, and with how much I emphasize it in my own classes, you might think I would always refer to it as a good thing - a good process to take one's self through from time to time. But I'm second-guessing that today. You see, I have a birthday tomorrow. I found a pic from 2014 (at left below) from today. I was hours from turning 37. On the right, I snapped a selfie before heading to campus this morning, hours from turning 47.
I like taking time to reflect on what has happened in years' passed. I like reflecting on almost everything in my life: what I thought when, what I used to do in my classes, what things bothered me and what things I was extremely passionate about. But today, there was a pause and a question: What if reflecting TOO much is causing me harm?

So, tomorrow marks the first birthday in decades I will not have a pet. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I said goodbye to Sushi (my 20yo kitty) last February, and I don't know if I ever took the time to grieve her loss because I got sick after... and then contracted covid over spring break, and... let's say life took over without me really grieving.

Today, I teared up on campus while packing up, realizing all this. And it's not like I want to ignore it, but sometimes, all the reflection causes extra mental stress.

To add to this, when I look at the woman on the left, I recall being in the middle of the last diet I ever went on. I was starving myself. I had lost quite a bit of weight from June 2013 to January 2014. In that picture, I appear happy and content, but I bet I was worried about what I was going to eat for my meals. I bet I was body checking in my cute outfits. I bet I had completed a workout or two that day, just to eat extra calories.

The woman on the left is a part of who I was and who I have now become, yet the reflection part brings back a mixture of so many feelings. It's sometimes just reliving trauma for no real purpose. I've already made peace with dieting and diet noise and all the torture I put myself through. I have forgiven myself; why reflect on all that?

Anyhow... here I am on the eve of my birthday, attempting to guilt myself into feeling okay about everything, trying to be positive about where I've been and where I'm going, but the world is so screwy. I try to focus on the little things I can control, but sometimes, that's even an uphill battle. When one's mental health is sketchy, having control of anything is a rarity, but I'm AM trying. Right now, all I can do is prep for some solid sleep with all my supplements and acupressure mat and Pandora's sleep radio... I'm looking forward to a day filled with some OER prep (I hope!), a fun lunch with a dear friend, and then my evening class followed by a "happy hour" with a tight knit crew (if I feel up to it!).

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